I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
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He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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