he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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