I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
