i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
