i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
