I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
27 Signs That Someone Will Probably Be Bad At Sex
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
23 Proposal Horror Stories You Won’t Believe
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
he just fucked me for my cheese..