Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
