Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
meet me or not, i'm out of control
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero