Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
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He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
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You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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