That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear