i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
He drunk texted me what I think is two snails fucking on a mushroom. Is "you sick bastard" too mild a rejection?
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
