I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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