Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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