They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
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