Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
