So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
