Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3