upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
