She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
