Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
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