He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
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I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
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he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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