I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
