Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?