My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
