I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
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What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
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She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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