Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
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Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
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Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
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