remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
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Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
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One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
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