is your mom at the bar?
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
