Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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