I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
