In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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