some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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