I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
They have beer where we have blood.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
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