They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
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