The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
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What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
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Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
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