I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
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