haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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