If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize