I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
