apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
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You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
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