giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Watching Supernatural does more for me sexually than the physical encounters with 90% of the men in my life.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
Randomize