Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?