there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
I can't hang out with this penis. I'll start thinking I like the person it belongs to.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
