Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
