Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
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Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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