I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Randomize
