mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
Randomize
