I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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