If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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