oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND