i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
21 People Confess What It’s Really Like At An Orgy
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?